The Diary of Suicide

This is a diary in which I have pondered the deep thoughts of suicide. I in no way intend to harm myself or others around me, I cannot express this to you enough. This diary is dedicated merely to the thoughts, and how I am coping with them.

Friday, February 11, 2005

Once again..

I thought about it again today. Suicide. It's like a drug my mind is addicting to thinking about. Nothing is going right in my life. I do everything alone and shy away from human contact as often as possible. It's like a disease.

Sure, there are happy pills, but why bother? When they find a miracle pill to make the world and everyone inside of it perfect I might want to take those, but unfortunate for humanity those do not exist. It's unfortunate indeed.

I think of the ways I could go out, actually. I could blame my job, my financial burdens, my emotional standpoint (though rather unstable). I could blame the world, I could blame anything I wanted because I feel as if I am left with nothing. Those I seek friendship with, simply wouldn't be blamed, however, because I see the friendship with them. Other than that, I really don't put a time and effort into something as droll and boring as socializing.

I often wonder how many other people think of killing themselves. I truly cannot be the only one who ponders these thoughts, thinks of these wretched things such as spilling your own blood. It sounds morbid, but it also makes me very curious. Humans possess the inability to sacrifice themselves unless necessary, and there isn't enough honor in the world for that. I give credit to the Japanese Samurai who fought so long ago, for they knew if they defied honor, they would take their own life. It was noble, and it was also their way.

Maybe that's a solution then - Go out in the Way of the Samurai. Die with honor. One cut, one kill.

Maybe.. Still I continue to ponder these thoughts...

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The world is changing..

People come and people go. It's amazing to walk the streets of the city and see the changes in peoples hearts. We go from grieving the loss of hundreds of people in 9/11 to .. murdering our next door neighbors once more. It's a vicious cycle.

I stopped today in the bitter cold and looked up at the sky for quite some time. The sky is a lot like I would like to be, a free, endless spirit that traverses about and brings the greatest of mysteries. It's like containing all the knowledge of the future in one, endless place. A paradox continually in question..

I thought about suicide then too, about everything happening in my life that simply isn't going my way. I thought about the people who would notice, or even care if I was missing. My readers, I can tell you, the list was quite short. It's amazing to discover how many true friends you really have. I even vanished for a while from the internet world, and came to my own world once more. Not a single person bothered to notice.

Mind you, it isn't the attention I am craving, more solitude than any. They say people who are truly suicidal tend to stray from others, or they just give everything they own away. Maybe I should get to working on both. It is a cruel mask I wear; laughter, smiles, giggling like a little girl and yet, I am so miserable on the inside that I just think of ending it all. Why would I think that, readers? Is it that I have truly lost every aspect of hope? Every glimmer of faith I ever knew or loved has vanished?

Perhaps it is just that... perhaps I never had hope or faith..

Thursday, January 27, 2005

This day is new..

This day is new. I am once again sitting alone, pondering the thoughts of suicide. Many people tell me or say or preach suicide is not the answer, and while I doubt I have the strength to complete something this unheard of - I am still entitled to think about it.

Standing alone each day makes me realize important things. Those who care for me, do they truly care or are they all hiding behind the masks in which so many others have before them? The human race is a sad, cruel and lonely world in which I have become trapped to use as another pawn. There is no God, there is no emotion, there is only the thought of what it would be like in the end.

This is a new day for me readers, I will ensure you that I am not going to kill myself, I am not going to harm myself in anyway. I only wish to release that which has been on my mind for so many months now, and I feel writing about it may help. I take comfort in knowing, I am not the only one out there who has lost hope. Hope, as it seems has lost me.

I did not give up on the world at any time, though I do feel the world has given up on me.