The Diary of Suicide

This is a diary in which I have pondered the deep thoughts of suicide. I in no way intend to harm myself or others around me, I cannot express this to you enough. This diary is dedicated merely to the thoughts, and how I am coping with them.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

The world is changing..

People come and people go. It's amazing to walk the streets of the city and see the changes in peoples hearts. We go from grieving the loss of hundreds of people in 9/11 to .. murdering our next door neighbors once more. It's a vicious cycle.

I stopped today in the bitter cold and looked up at the sky for quite some time. The sky is a lot like I would like to be, a free, endless spirit that traverses about and brings the greatest of mysteries. It's like containing all the knowledge of the future in one, endless place. A paradox continually in question..

I thought about suicide then too, about everything happening in my life that simply isn't going my way. I thought about the people who would notice, or even care if I was missing. My readers, I can tell you, the list was quite short. It's amazing to discover how many true friends you really have. I even vanished for a while from the internet world, and came to my own world once more. Not a single person bothered to notice.

Mind you, it isn't the attention I am craving, more solitude than any. They say people who are truly suicidal tend to stray from others, or they just give everything they own away. Maybe I should get to working on both. It is a cruel mask I wear; laughter, smiles, giggling like a little girl and yet, I am so miserable on the inside that I just think of ending it all. Why would I think that, readers? Is it that I have truly lost every aspect of hope? Every glimmer of faith I ever knew or loved has vanished?

Perhaps it is just that... perhaps I never had hope or faith..

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